Prologue

I guess first I should explain the title. I have had cancer twice before and now I may have it again. On the seventeenth anniversary of the day I started chemotherapy for Non-Hodgkin’s Lymphoma, I was having a mammogram for a lump I found in my breast.

I kind of feel like a giant cancer cell with legs and arms. But then I think that this cancer thing is happening to the shell in which my being resides. In other words, my being is not affected by what happens to my body (the shell). How I handle this is what determines who I am and who I choose to be.

I remember when I was told I had Lymphoma. My husband was in the Air Force and we were stationed in Alaska. We had to fly to Seattle to go to a larger hospital. I was in a blur, so I pretty much did whatever I was told to do. Have this biopsy, take this test, see this doctor, attend this class, and talk to these people. I did all that. Everything that was done to my body helped, but there was one thing that made me understand that my body isn’t who I am. I walked into a waiting room shortly after my arrival to Seattle and saw a woman with no hair who was wearing a Levi, floppy hat with a huge daisy holding up the front of the brim. She was smiling. I thought at first, What does she have to smile about? But then, I got it. Her body may be ravaged by the disease, but her spirit was alive and well. I decided then that I would also be that kind of patient. It was the best decision I ever made. (I also found a hat like hers and wore it a lot.)

Eight chemo treatments, two biopsies, one insertion of a Groshan catheter, countless blood tests and CT Scans, two blood transfusions, and self injections of a drug to keep my white blood count up and I became a survivor instead of a patient.

Two years ago, I was told I had Endometrial Cancer. Age and experience gave me enough wisdom to say “Just take out everything. I don’t need it anymore.” One CT Scan, one surgery, one small infection, and I was good to go.

And now this……

I am writing this in a day to day format, because I don’t want to forget what happened when and also because my readers (whoever you are) will understand how long it actually takes to get on the road to treatment and, hopefully, remission.

Peace,

Tracy

Days One Through Five

Day One - Friday

I actually didn’t find the lump, my husband did. We were taking a shower together and as he was washing me, he raised my arms. He started to soap up my boobs and suddenly stopped. “This wasn’t here before,” he said. The whole day changed. He got out of the shower, leaving me soapy and doing a self exam. I looked at him through the fogged shower doors; he just put his head down and left the room.

I was more hurt by his reaction than I was by the discovery, so I turned off the shower dried off and followed him to the bedroom. “Why? Why did you walk away?” I said.

“Because I’m scared. I’m so scared.”

You see, cancer doesn’t affect just your body and spirit. It affects all who love you and their spirits. My husband’s spirit was crushed and I felt that it was my fault. Which was stupid! I have no more control of the fact that I may or may not have cancer than I have control over whether the sun rises or not. And yet, guilt was there.

I promised him I would call my doctor on Monday and get in as soon as possible.

We continued our day with a huge new visitor. Nothing felt right anymore.

Day Two and Three – Saturday and Sunday

We were busy. We spent Saturday in Phoenix. I went shopping and Randy tried to help put his new (well, new to him) semi in good working order. I told my sister-in-law because I knew she had had a lump that turned out to be nothing. She told me to get it checked out and call her.

No more talk about the lump or the doctor or what may or may not be growing inside me again.

Day Four - Monday

Got a much needed pedicure with my friend Joanie. She’s so cute and always seems to be happy. It’s kinda contagious. Didn’t say anything to her about the lump. So far, I’ve only told Randy, Kat, my dad, Boneda and Jennifer. If it’s nothing, I don’t want to worry too many people. I’ll let everyone else know when I get the results of the biopsy.

I called my OB/GYN who couldn’t squeeze me in until the end of the month. That didn’t make Randy happy, so I called my Family Practice doctor and her nurse squeezed me in that afternoon.

My doctor is always late, but always takes lots of time with each patient. I guess that’s why I’m willing to wait for an hour to see her. She walked into the room and said, “So, you’ve grown a lump.” She did the exam and she recommended a mammogram. I asked loads of questions. She gave me a few answers and a referral.

I went to my car and called the Radiology office to set up an appointment. They had one for Wednesday. I took it and then called one of my oldest and dearest friends. “Could you come with me on Wednesday? I’m having a mammogram to check out a lump.” She didn’t hesitate in saying “yes”.

My body was tired, but my spirit was lifted.

Day Five - Tuesday

Honestly, I just wanted to get in my car and drive to anywhere but here. I always feel that way when I’m uberstressed. I just want to drive. Just head for the coast, sit on the sand, and breathe in the salt air. It doesn’t do a thing for my shell, but it renews my spirit and I really needed that. But finances being what they are, I didn’t go. I just worked on some things around my house and waited for Wednesday.

Randy left this morning for work and I don’t know when I’ll see him again.I feel very alone.

From the Mammogram to the Biopsy

Day Six - Wednesday

At this point, I have not said a thing to my children. I don’t want them to worry about things that may or may not be. Even though they are in their thirties, they are still my babies and I try to protect them all I can. Which is stupid, but I do. I will tell them when I get the results and know what it is. Good or bad. Then we can all get our spirits together and help each other. Right now, I would just be asking them to wait and worry and worrying wears down the soul. We’ll save the worrying for later, if we have to.

My appointment for my first mammogram EVER was at 10:40, so I was about ½ an hour early and Kat was about 5 minutes late. We’re funny that way; each of us with our own little quirks that kind of meld together.

The mammogram went better than I had expected. I had visions of torture chambers in my head, but it was alright and there was even a teddy bear I could hold. After a glimpse of the mammogram, they did a sonogram. My FIRST sonogram. (Just one big day of firsts.) The radiologist reminded me of a 50’s version of a Yale graduate and it was all I could do to keep from laughing.

After a review of all the pics, they wanted me to come back and do a biopsy. Actually two biopsies – the normal one and one to check out some calcified spots. All this is on my left breast; nothing shows up other than the lump and the calcifications, so I take that as a good sign. I make the appointment for the biopsies for the following Monday. Change back into my clothes and Kat and I go to have coffee.

Day Seven, Eight, and Nine – Thursday, Friday, and Saturday

Not much going on. Normal stuff, like housework and grocery shopping. I talk to Randy a lot on the phone and decide that I want to get my genealogy caught up and work on the journal I’m making for Amy. All of a sudden, my brain is saying I need to get these things caught up. I went through this before and I’m trying to think if it’s just something everyone does after they find a lump or if I truly know that something is wrong. All this time, I’ve thought only that I had a lump, but all of a sudden I think it could actually be Cancer again and I begin getting “my affairs” in order. Seemed like the natural thing to do. I also wrote out a new “bills to be paid list” and finished the squares for my granny square afghan. I guess, if nothing else, the lump has made me finish projects all over the house.

Day Ten - Sunday

I went to church with Boneda and Robert at 7:40 am. Didn’t like it. It felt more like a production number for a little theater than a church service. I won’t go again, but I would like to test out a couple more churches on Sundays when Randy isn’t home. He hates church. Something that happened to us a long time ago he just can’t drop, but that’s him – not me.

I spent the rest of the day with the Andersons watching football and shopping. I laughed a lot, which is exactly what I needed.

At Kohl’s, I spotted a necklace with the pink crystal cancer ribbon on it and told myself not to buy it. No need for that now. Don’t even know what this is yet.

Day Eleven - Monday

Biopsy day! I spent the morning cleaning the kitchen and such. Kat came out to pick me up. We had a fast lunch and headed back into town. I popped a Xanax in the parking lot. As soon as I walked into the building my blood pressure went through the roof, my face was all red and the nurse was surprised at how high it was. After talking to me for a long time about exactly what they were going to be doing, my blood pressure dropped and my Xanax kicked in. I was in a happy place.

First procedure, I felt like a 1955 Buick that was lifted up so they could work on it. My left boob was sticking through a hole in the table and I had to lie still while they probed and poked and stuck needles in me. It wasn’t much fun, but way better than the other biopsies I had endured.

After this one, I was whisked away to another room for the next one. Much easier, much less time.

The radiologist who performed both biopsies was great; caring, concerned, calm. She told me she wouldn’t have the results until Thursday and I should call my doctor then.

I was sent home with an ice pack on my breast and instructions not to do anything tonight and most of tomorrow. Kind of hard to do when you basically live alone. I made some tomato soup and a really good grilled cheese sandwich for dinner and settled in with my ice pack to spend the evening watching TV.

Turtle Shells

June 25, 2014

I remember when I was in labor with my son. I told my husband after about an hour and a half of constant pushing that I wanted to go home. He said we couldn’t go home without the baby to which I replied that I had the baby and I just wanted to go home. I was done. This was no fun – I was tired, I was in pain, I couldn’t catch my breath, I just needed a break. Maybe go home and take a dip in the pool or watch a little TV. Then I’d be ready to finish this little process. But I’m not a quitter and Joshua was about half way in the birth canal and in distress, so they gave me a spinal block and took him with forceps. Loved the spinal block! It was like taking a break and letting all those wonderful doctors do their jobs.

Fast forward to now and this whole making new boobs process and I must say that I am done. I am tired of not being able to sleep on my side. It takes forever to get comfortable. If I didn’t have medications that knocked me out, I probably wouldn’t sleep at all. I wake up every morning in a small amount of pain – I would call it a 3. After my coffee and some walking around, the pain is tolerable at a 2 – all day, every day since May 1. Well, the pain was much worse right after the surgery on May 1, but it went down to that 2 about  a week before the injections started.

It’s a good thing I wear sandals all the time because there’s no way I could tie my shoes. I don’t even have enough arm strength to fasten my jeans for goodness sake. I do raise my hands up over my head and out to my sides so they don’t get frozen and I have to go to Physical Therapy.

I hate the way they look. Imagine two turtle shells under my skin (flat across the top with sloping sides) with long reddish, purple scars running across their backs. I don’t know if the turtle shell look will change after he puts in the silicone implants, but I certainly hope so. I don’t want to look like this forever. Plus my new turtle boobs are hard – hard as a turtle shell. The muscles are tight, the skin is tight, everything is tight. I feel like I’m wearing a very uncomfortable bra that is two sizes too small and I can’t take it off.

Then just when I’m feeling a little better and can drive a car or make my bed or do the dishes – wham! It’s time for more saline to be injected and the pain level goes up. Then I take my Valium and sit on the couch for two days. It’s a never ending cycle.

Next Tuesday, when I see the doctor again, I’m going to ask him about the shape of my boobs. Will it change after the implants? How long before me and my boobs are friends again? I know I will always have the scars, but scars fade and I can put a beautiful tattoo over them if I choose. I just want them to have a reasonable facsimile to boobs instead of turtle shells.

I am scheduled for two more fill-ups at 100 cc’s each. I want my next surgery to be after August 16, so I have until July 16 to finish my fills. I have 550 cc’s in each side now and I’m thinking they are a tad bit bigger than my real boobs were. My doctor says that an 800 cc silicone implant is as big as they go, so two more 100 cc fill ups should do it. But I’m wondering if I just got 75 cc’s and made it 3 more appointments, would I be less uncomfortable. But then I think, that’s one more poke with the needle and one more week of yuckiness. Decisions, decisions.

I hear that the month after the last injection and before the surgery is wonderful. You don’t even notice they are there. It gives the muscles time to settle in and you don’t have to fret about the next appointment. Really looking forward to that.

Then another surgery to undergo. I’ve decided not to get surgical nipples, but if my new boobs don’t look right, I’ll have to have another surgery to correct them. I’m keeping my fingers crossed that they’ll be perfect and I can go on with my life.

Honestly, scars don’t bother me. I have a few of them and each one represents a battle won. These will fade over time and in a year or two I won’t even notice them. I’m just being whiny right now. Like those last 30 minutes of labor with my son – I know it will be wonderful when it’s done, I’m just a little tired and need a rest.

For all those who are battling something and are in worse shape than I am, I apologize. I hope you’ll understand that I just need to vent and that’s why I have a blog. I hope your battle will be won soon and you can take a break too.