Days One Through Five

Day One - Friday

I actually didn’t find the lump, my husband did. We were taking a shower together and as he was washing me, he raised my arms. He started to soap up my boobs and suddenly stopped. “This wasn’t here before,” he said. The whole day changed. He got out of the shower, leaving me soapy and doing a self exam. I looked at him through the fogged shower doors; he just put his head down and left the room.

I was more hurt by his reaction than I was by the discovery, so I turned off the shower dried off and followed him to the bedroom. “Why? Why did you walk away?” I said.

“Because I’m scared. I’m so scared.”

You see, cancer doesn’t affect just your body and spirit. It affects all who love you and their spirits. My husband’s spirit was crushed and I felt that it was my fault. Which was stupid! I have no more control of the fact that I may or may not have cancer than I have control over whether the sun rises or not. And yet, guilt was there.

I promised him I would call my doctor on Monday and get in as soon as possible.

We continued our day with a huge new visitor. Nothing felt right anymore.

Day Two and Three – Saturday and Sunday

We were busy. We spent Saturday in Phoenix. I went shopping and Randy tried to help put his new (well, new to him) semi in good working order. I told my sister-in-law because I knew she had had a lump that turned out to be nothing. She told me to get it checked out and call her.

No more talk about the lump or the doctor or what may or may not be growing inside me again.

Day Four - Monday

Got a much needed pedicure with my friend Joanie. She’s so cute and always seems to be happy. It’s kinda contagious. Didn’t say anything to her about the lump. So far, I’ve only told Randy, Kat, my dad, Boneda and Jennifer. If it’s nothing, I don’t want to worry too many people. I’ll let everyone else know when I get the results of the biopsy.

I called my OB/GYN who couldn’t squeeze me in until the end of the month. That didn’t make Randy happy, so I called my Family Practice doctor and her nurse squeezed me in that afternoon.

My doctor is always late, but always takes lots of time with each patient. I guess that’s why I’m willing to wait for an hour to see her. She walked into the room and said, “So, you’ve grown a lump.” She did the exam and she recommended a mammogram. I asked loads of questions. She gave me a few answers and a referral.

I went to my car and called the Radiology office to set up an appointment. They had one for Wednesday. I took it and then called one of my oldest and dearest friends. “Could you come with me on Wednesday? I’m having a mammogram to check out a lump.” She didn’t hesitate in saying “yes”.

My body was tired, but my spirit was lifted.

Day Five - Tuesday

Honestly, I just wanted to get in my car and drive to anywhere but here. I always feel that way when I’m uberstressed. I just want to drive. Just head for the coast, sit on the sand, and breathe in the salt air. It doesn’t do a thing for my shell, but it renews my spirit and I really needed that. But finances being what they are, I didn’t go. I just worked on some things around my house and waited for Wednesday.

Randy left this morning for work and I don’t know when I’ll see him again.I feel very alone.