Two Weeks Before My Next Surgery

A Layman’s Explanation of Panic Attacks

According to the website eMedicine Help, a panic attacks is:

Panic attacks are frightening but fortunately physically harmless episodes. They can occur at random or after a person is exposed to various events that may "trigger" a panic attack. They peak in intensity very rapidly and go away with or without medical help.

I have suffered from these for a very long time. I am currently taking medication that is supposed to stop them, but it hasn’t worked so far. Or maybe it’s working perfectly well and I have too much on my plate, so a panic attack is my only course of action.

Everyone has a fight or flight response to things. We get ourselves in a dangerous or frightening situation and we make a choice to run like hell or stand up and fight.

I said that I have too much on my plate, so I’ll use a plate to try to explain why my latest panic attack happened and, probably, why it was so severe. Let’s pretend that our lives are like a dinner plate. Doesn’t matter what the pattern is or if it’s just a plain color, but it is a plate of our choosing. Most people operate daily with about ¼ to ½ of their plates full. It’s easy to add a small complication to your plate without having it spill over. And by the end of the day or week or month, some of us actually have a perfectly clean plate with no complications. This allows for resting and rejuvenation to start a new day, week or month with a clean plate so less than favorable things that happen will not overflow the plate and they can be disposed of easily.

I had my latest severe panic attack while in town looking at dishwashers. No big deal, you say. Let’s look at the things that were on my plate before I drove into town.

1.       I am trying to keep my diabetes under control, but chocolate is my alcohol and when I am stressed I use food to calm me down. Salads don’t cut it for me, so I’m still struggling with that and being made to feel that I am a loser for not losing the weight and not getting outside to take a daily walk. I would say this feeling of guilt and trying to control my sugars covers about 1/8 of my plate.

2.       I am still recovering from the removal of both my breasts. The physical aspect is quite nicely healed, although I feel extremely ugly and have a great deal of problems handling going out in public. I would say the feeling that I am so ugly fills up about 2/8 of my plate.

3.       I am looking at two (maybe more) surgeries to put breasts back on. The first surgery is just two weeks away. I haven’t heard from my doctor’s office about time, place, instructions, etc. yet, but I do know that Tri-Care has approved some of it, I’m just not sure what the codes mean. I don’t know if these surgeries will make me look more normal or if they will not. I’m really scared about them. I would say this fills up about 2/8 of my plate.

4.       I just quit my job as a taxi cab driver because I was actually spending money to work there. For a while that caused a feeling of being stupid. I mean really, how hard is it to drive a cab? A lot more than you would think. That issue used to eat up about 1/8 of my plate, but since I quit, it’s just a pea sized issue and it will totally go away soon.

5.       Then you have everyday issues – bills to pay, planning a renewal ceremony, children, husband, family, feeling lonely, guilt about not finishing my book, and not having my clothes fit right anymore. Those problems come to and go from my plate all the time, but they still take up about 1/8 of the entire plate.

My plate is about 7/8 full every day, all day. I don’t think I’m stressed, I don’t feel stressed. I take time for myself. I take a hot bath at night and read a book. But all that stuff is still on my plate and it only takes one more thing to fill it up. The dishwasher broke, spewing water everywhere. Randy was in Nogales. My in-laws live 30 minutes away. I had no idea what to do or how to do it. Cleaning up the mess caused me to get overheated and feel dizzy and sick. But I have to buy a dishwasher on top of the glasses we just bought for Randy ($367) and the medical bills and me not having a job.

The next day about noon, I decided to take my shopping list and go look at dishwashers. Found one I liked at 2 different stores – one store did not have it in stock (it would take a week), one store had it in stock (but the installer was on vacation for a week). For some reason that was what pushed the mashed potatoes off the plate, toppling all the other things and causing my brain to just stop. I began to cry. I physically couldn’t go to Wal Mart or any other store. I began to think about all the things on my plate while I was driving home and crying when I started to shake and sweat and feel like my heart was beating out of my chest and the Jeep was caving in on me. I couldn’t stop – I had to get home. I tried to breathe, but I couldn’t. Tears clouded my vision. My Bluetooth in my car didn’t work, but I had to call my daughter to have her talk to me. I dialed her number and almost wrecked the Jeep. She calmed me down and I just cried and drove and talked and made it home safe and sound.

For most people, this all sounds pretty weird. So far fetched that it’s hard to believe. I mean, my dad was a firefighter – he never had a panic attack. I know people who are fighting overseas everyday who never have panic attacks. But I do. For whatever reason, I’m wired funny and when my plate is full or if I’m backed into a corner, I have a panic attack.

There are tons of doctors who want to try tons of things to “help me”. I don’t eat the right things, I don’t exercise, I don’t do Yoga, I drink caffeine, I need to talk, I need to have dream therapy, I need more medication…….the list goes on. I remember every major panic attack I’ve ever had and what was happening just before they happened and it always goes back to the full plate coupled with no voices. No one to talk with, no one to help me in a crisis, no one who says “I’ll take care of that problem for you.” And they do and it comes off my plate.

Eventually, everything that is on my plate will be handled. The dishwasher will be here tomorrow. I’m Cancer free! My boobs will be put back on and it will go beautifully. I know as sure as I know the sun will rise tomorrow, my plate will be 7/8 full again and I will live through the next panic attack.

Anyway, that’s what a panic attack is for me. Everyone who suffers with these has a different story. I just ask that you don’t judge me or them. A hug and a calm voice go a long way.