Surgery Date and Remembering

Day Sixty-Four – Friday

In a week, I’ll be losing my breasts. I don’t care how many times I say that or how much I believe it’s the right thing to do; it still isn’t quite real for me. I’m not sure it ever will be.

Today, in my e-mail box, I received instructions for the day of surgery (February 14). When to stop taking what pills. When to stop eating, drinking, and sucking on candy. I’ll go to TMC at 8:00 am to get an injection so the doctor can trace from my lump to my first two lymph nodes and remove those during surgery. I have to be to the Camp Lowell Surgery Center by 9:00. My surgery is scheduled for 10:00. The surgery should take about three hours. Then I’ll have one to two hours of recovery time before I am sent home. Randy is taking off the whole week. My follow-up appointment is on Friday, February 21^st.

I still have not received word that TriCare approved the bilateral operation. I had a dream yesterday that they only approved a lumpectomy and I melted into a puddle. The reason we chose the bilateral over the single or the lumpectomy was because I have a main lump and two other calcifications with indications of cancer. The surgeon said that a lumpectomy was rarely successful in these cases and he would recommend taking the entire breast. When I asked him about taking both, given my cancer history and the fact that I don’t want to be lopsided, he agreed. All the doctors have agreed. Still waiting to see if the insurance company agrees.

I got a phone call from my oncologist who told me that my bone scan was good. No signs of bone loss in my hip or lower back, but some signs in my left leg. She wanted to know if I just wanted to stay on the vitamins and recheck in a year or go on Fosamax. I chose the vitamins. We’ll see what I say in a year. I also asked her why I have to take the estrogen killing pill for 5 years if I’m having all my breast tissue removed, which is when I learned about secondary breast cancer. And then I did an internet search. And then my head got full again, so I shut it off. Sometimes you can only deal with one issue at a time and right now I have enough on my plate to worry about “what ifs” of the future. Because the future is promised to no one and I would rather live in the here and now.

Day Sixty-Eight – Tuesday

Today I am seeing the plastic surgeon who performs the flap procedure of reconstruction (the one where he does the tummy tuck along with the breast reconstruction). Randy is working, so I’m going to this one alone. I’ll take good mental notes.

My doctor’s office hasn’t called me yet about TriCare, but I looked on my website and it looks like everything is approved. I still want them to call because I want to make sure that what I am reading is still a bilateral. I don’t know what the codes mean. It just says “Simple Mastectomy”, but I’m sure there is a code for a single and a double.

In the quiet of my bedroom, I thought logically about all that is to come and know I have made the right choice. But then the emotional side of my brain kicked in and I remembered all the joy my breasts have given me. I remembered going with my mother to buy my first bra at May’s and being so embarrassed when the sales lady showed me how to put it on. I remembered the first boy who touched them and how wonderful that felt. I remember feeding my babies and how close it made me feel to them. I remember always believing that they just weren’t big enough and my mother saying “Your breast should fill a champagne glass, but not overflow it.” Mine do, but they don’t overflow it. They are not just decorations under a sweater and they are not what define me as a woman, but they will be missed.

After my hysterectomy, Randy and I had to learn how to make love all over again. I never thought about that before the surgery, but a lot of things changed. We will have to make more adjustments now. Sex is such a big part of our lives, but we are persistent people and we’ll make it work, even if it takes a while.

When I was first diagnosed, I didn’t want Randy to touch them. I would say, “Just get used to them not being there.” I don’t say that anymore because you shouldn’t have to get used to something not being there until it isn’t. If you do, you’ll miss out on so much. I am trying to adapt that philosophy with all the things in my life – especially the people. Without my friends, family and husband, I would be nothing. They give me my strength and all the love my heart can handle.