We're up to Day Forty-two......

Day Forty – Tuesday

I started off the day trying to coordinate a day when both of my surgeons had openings. They are on the east side of town and Randy only wants to take one day off of work. We finally had a meeting of the minds and we will be seeing both of them on January 23. There will probably be tests to perform and such before the surgery and, since both my doctors are highly respected and busy, we aren’t sure when the surgery will be. I’m just ready. If I wait much longer, I’ll get more anxious.

Today was the “run around Tucson” day for us. Randy had to drop off paper work for his new/old job, then to the bank, then to Target (where I found out that if you call in a prescription on Sunday, it may or may not be ready for you by Tuesday), then lunch, stopped by his parents’ house to give them the news from the doctor, then off to the barber, and Sam’s Club for gas and groceries. On our way home, we stopped by Target, again, and found that the prescription had not been filled. I called my doctor’s office and was told that they couldn’t get through on the phone lines. It is, apparently, not Target’s policy to actually call a doctor’s office when a prescription has been waiting for two days. But I got it all straightened out.

Out of the house by 10, back home by 4:30. Long day.

Day Forty-one – Wednesday

Randy and I just sat around the house all day, again. We do a lot of that. Not sure why. Not sure I want to change it. Something to ponder.

Got a call from my oncologist’s office. The nurse said my Vitamin D levels were way too low and I needed to start taking Vitamin D. Add that to my grocery list and then back to watching TV.

Day Forty-two – Thursday

Randy left for work early this morning and will, probably, be home for dinner. The job and he are getting used to each other again. This may take a couple of weeks.

The dog has taken to waking me up at 4:30 am for the last 3 days and I am tired of my whining alarm clock. I should just go back to bed, but once I’m up, I’m up.

I had a Facebook conversation with some people who are very close to me. My comment about getting new boobs….I don’t know how to put this…they knew I was kidding around, so they wanted to join in. But, I was offended by their comments and told them so. This surprised me, as well as them. I kid about getting new boobs because it makes it tolerable for me to know that I will be losing yet another part of me that makes me a woman. In all actuality, it terrifies me. I know the first time I look in the mirror, I’m going to be so very depressed and I’m not sure I can laugh my way out of it. Randy is not as fully on board as I would like for him to be, but he has to deal with this, too. We both know it’s for the best – better to save the whole person and sacrifice the boobs – but no matter how many times you say it and understand it; they are still a huge part of who I am.

I’m still here when others aren’t. I’ve looked death in the face more than once and was told it wasn’t my time. I think I’m a little worried that my nine lives are running out and I’m not ready. I have grandchildren and I want to see them graduate from high school, get married, find a life, and have children of their own. There are places I still want to see and things I still want to do.

Life has left me with a lot of physical and emotional scars. They have all made me who I am today – for better or worse. I hope more for the better.