Accomplishing New Things

August 31, 2014

A friend told me he didn’t like the term “survivor” as that implied being a victim. He prefers to say that I have conquered cancer. The reasoning is sound, but it has been my experience that cancer cannot be conquered altogether, at least – not for me. I have survived yet another round of fear and tears; surgeries and treatments; losses and achievements and have come out on the winning end of it all. I have not conquered the fear that it will return nor do I live my life allowing that fear control me. It still lingers in the back of my mind like a small voice emitting from a closet.

At the moment, I am happy with the shape and feel of my new breasts. I look in the mirror and think, “There seems to be something missing.” That something will have to wait for a while, so I look past the place where nipples belong and tend to the incisions and glue and pieces of gauze that remain.

I can’t sleep on my side yet, although I try every night. I am able to wash my own hair, but styling it is out of the question. Shortly after the first surgery, I couldn’t button my jeans and haven’t worn my favorite clothes since then. Today, I accomplished that little feat also.

I’m able to do some things that have eluded me for a long time. I am regaining my strength and my ability to go the entire day without a nap of some type. I feel almost myself.

Each day is a learning curve. What can I do today that will not hurt? I don’t want to shy away from the pain, just find a place that is tolerable. I do a little bit more each day and set goals for myself, but don’t beat myself up if they are not reached. I am practical about it.

Soon the incisions will make way for scars, the bruises and swelling will heal, and I will be ready to be sized for a new bra. I hope I am a size now that will allow me to have some pretty bras. I was always too small for that before.

I have checked the first thing off my list and am moving towards the second thing – looking for a job. Since it takes so long to process applications and such, I feel now is a good time to start looking. Besides it keeps me busy.

I see the doctor the end of September and then again two months after that. We will then decide if there is anything else he can do to make them “perfect” or if I am happy with them. Then the discussion of surgical nipples or tattoo nipples will be further addressed and I will proceed with whichever decision is made. I am not thinking about that for now there are too many other things to do.

I have been pleased with the outcome of this particular cancer. Last December, I was in fear for my life. Then, I thought I would no longer have breasts. Now, I am well and have breasts. That is a huge accomplishment in a very short amount of time.

I feel good about my decisions and know we did what was right for me. I would in no way tell another woman what to do if she gets the news that she had breast cancer, but I hope that in sharing my journey, I have helped someone else make her very personal decision.