Turtle Shells

June 25, 2014

I remember when I was in labor with my son. I told my husband after about an hour and a half of constant pushing that I wanted to go home. He said we couldn’t go home without the baby to which I replied that I had the baby and I just wanted to go home. I was done. This was no fun – I was tired, I was in pain, I couldn’t catch my breath, I just needed a break. Maybe go home and take a dip in the pool or watch a little TV. Then I’d be ready to finish this little process. But I’m not a quitter and Joshua was about half way in the birth canal and in distress, so they gave me a spinal block and took him with forceps. Loved the spinal block! It was like taking a break and letting all those wonderful doctors do their jobs.

Fast forward to now and this whole making new boobs process and I must say that I am done. I am tired of not being able to sleep on my side. It takes forever to get comfortable. If I didn’t have medications that knocked me out, I probably wouldn’t sleep at all. I wake up every morning in a small amount of pain – I would call it a 3. After my coffee and some walking around, the pain is tolerable at a 2 – all day, every day since May 1. Well, the pain was much worse right after the surgery on May 1, but it went down to that 2 about  a week before the injections started.

It’s a good thing I wear sandals all the time because there’s no way I could tie my shoes. I don’t even have enough arm strength to fasten my jeans for goodness sake. I do raise my hands up over my head and out to my sides so they don’t get frozen and I have to go to Physical Therapy.

I hate the way they look. Imagine two turtle shells under my skin (flat across the top with sloping sides) with long reddish, purple scars running across their backs. I don’t know if the turtle shell look will change after he puts in the silicone implants, but I certainly hope so. I don’t want to look like this forever. Plus my new turtle boobs are hard – hard as a turtle shell. The muscles are tight, the skin is tight, everything is tight. I feel like I’m wearing a very uncomfortable bra that is two sizes too small and I can’t take it off.

Then just when I’m feeling a little better and can drive a car or make my bed or do the dishes – wham! It’s time for more saline to be injected and the pain level goes up. Then I take my Valium and sit on the couch for two days. It’s a never ending cycle.

Next Tuesday, when I see the doctor again, I’m going to ask him about the shape of my boobs. Will it change after the implants? How long before me and my boobs are friends again? I know I will always have the scars, but scars fade and I can put a beautiful tattoo over them if I choose. I just want them to have a reasonable facsimile to boobs instead of turtle shells.

I am scheduled for two more fill-ups at 100 cc’s each. I want my next surgery to be after August 16, so I have until July 16 to finish my fills. I have 550 cc’s in each side now and I’m thinking they are a tad bit bigger than my real boobs were. My doctor says that an 800 cc silicone implant is as big as they go, so two more 100 cc fill ups should do it. But I’m wondering if I just got 75 cc’s and made it 3 more appointments, would I be less uncomfortable. But then I think, that’s one more poke with the needle and one more week of yuckiness. Decisions, decisions.

I hear that the month after the last injection and before the surgery is wonderful. You don’t even notice they are there. It gives the muscles time to settle in and you don’t have to fret about the next appointment. Really looking forward to that.

Then another surgery to undergo. I’ve decided not to get surgical nipples, but if my new boobs don’t look right, I’ll have to have another surgery to correct them. I’m keeping my fingers crossed that they’ll be perfect and I can go on with my life.

Honestly, scars don’t bother me. I have a few of them and each one represents a battle won. These will fade over time and in a year or two I won’t even notice them. I’m just being whiny right now. Like those last 30 minutes of labor with my son – I know it will be wonderful when it’s done, I’m just a little tired and need a rest.

For all those who are battling something and are in worse shape than I am, I apologize. I hope you’ll understand that I just need to vent and that’s why I have a blog. I hope your battle will be won soon and you can take a break too.