A Year Later

Lots of things have been happening since last I wrote in my blog. I’ll try to hit the high points and maybe tell you some of the things I’ve learned.

My final surgery was August 18, 2014. They took out the “turtle shells” and put in silicone implants. I recovered quickly, the muscle pain went away, and I found out what I could and couldn’t do. I also learned something about my new breasts – they are now more pec muscles, like men have. And, like men’s pec muscles, I can move them. Ya know, make them go up and down by contracting the muscles in my chest. Kinda cool, but weird all at the same time. However, these muscles have been sitting on my chest wall for years, so they aren’t ready to be used. If I pick up something a little too heavy, I get a muscle ache and have to rub AsperCreme on them or take an Advil. It’s an interesting phenomenon.

They are, for all intents and purposes, breasts. They have no nipples and there is a scar running horizontally from under my arms to my breast bone on both sides, but I have breasts. They are bigger than my natural breasts, so I had to get them measured. A trip to Victoria’s Secrets revealed that I am now a 38C and have cleavage. I didn’t want underwires, so we found a pink and white striped bra that was padded with memory foam. I tried it on and turned to face the mirror. The bra was beautiful, my new breasts overflowed the top, and peaking out in the middle with the cleavage were the red, angry ends of my scars. I cried for two reasons – because I felt grateful that the surgery was successful and the cancer was caught early, but sad because of those red scars. I bought two of the bras and have since continued to collect them. I now own five of them.

I buy clothes differently now. Blouses are lower cut or fitted around the breast area. I’ve lost about 6 pounds and had to buy a smaller pant size last time I went searching for pants. Which is all good.

I started working about a month after my last surgery, probably too soon, but the job was made available to me and it’s close to home. I walk between 2 and 7 miles a day, lift things I probably shouldn’t, and tire easily. The walking is good for me, the lifting is not, but I am regaining my strength. Then there’s the weight loss. My blood sugar has come down and my cancer is gone. My physical health is getting better.

My mental health is a different story. I do not like where I live and the new job is so far from what I enjoy doing and ever wanted to do…well, it’s not hell, but you can see it from here. Our Unexpected, crazy, loving, renewal ceremony.All that in conjunction with my negative body image, and I’m depressed all the time. Don’t get me wrong, I am more than grateful that women fought for so long to get insurance to pay for new breasts and that I found a great doctor and that I have a Victoria’s Secrets charge card, but I have no feeling in my breasts and I still miss the nipples. And since nipples were a big part of my sex life, that has suffered also. Not because Randy has a problem with it, but because I do. All that thrown together and I’m back taking Prozac, something I never wanted to do. Never say never!!!

On the up side, my husband of 40 years proposed to me and we renewed our vows exactly a year after my mastectomy. Crazy story, actually. He heard on the radio station that a used car salesman was offering a wedding or renewal ceremony on the car lot on Valentine’s Day. They would provide everything, but what you wore. I agreed to his suggestion that we renew our vows and went looking for the dress of my dreams. When we showed up at the venue, I was the only one dressed in an actual wedding gown. But I didn’t really care, because I felt and looked beautiful! Someday, I hope one of my granddaughters will wear it. Until then, it hangs on the back of a door in a special bag. I look at it occasionally and swoon and remember that he still wanted to marry me even with the scars and the lack of nipples and the extra weight and the depression.

About the nipples, I was kicking around surgical ones for a while, but have decided on tattoos. I need to call around to find the woman in town who does such a magnificent job with them and make the appointment. It may help with body image.

It’s been a year of ups and downs. My hope is that all this will settle down soon and I can get back some of the “me” that I lost. I will be 60 next month and we are going to the beach to relax and watch those beautiful ocean sunsets. We both need the downtime and the together time.

All in all, I have faired well. I hear such horror stories, but I hear just as many success stories. I believe all will be fine. I do appreciate all the love and help that I received during my surgeries and recovery. Most of all, I want to thank the man who never wavered, never even dreamed of leaving me, and has loved me through it all. He and I conquered the beast – together. Peace.