Sunday, March 23, 2014

It Cannot Conquer the Spirit



June 19, 2014 – Day 195

I look at the number of days since Randy found the lump in my right breast and I can’t believe it’s been such a short amount of time.

In that 195 days:  I’ve had my first (and last) mammogram, I’ve had my first sonogram, I’ve had two breast biopsies, I’ve had a double mastectomy, and I am now on my way to having my breasts reconstructed. And that’s just what has happened with my breasts. It seems like a lot to happen in less than a year.

The nurse who did my second injection was very good. She was a breast cancer survivor and was very conscious of my feelings. The needle was not so painful and when I complained about the pressure, she slowed down the rush of saline into the expanders. She said she would pass this knowledge onto the other nurses, but I hope I get her again when I go tomorrow.

I’ve gotten into a schedule with my saline injections (as far as level of pain and ability to do anything). I get the injection on Friday and am just starting to feel the muscles stretch by the end of the day. Friday night is rough because I can’t find a comfortable setting on my bed and the muscles are starting to burn. Saturday is wasted because all I want to do is not move, not go anywhere, not cause any stress on my muscles. By Sunday, I feel like I can do some things, but not overdo. On Monday, I’m doing a little more without pain. Tuesday is better. By Wednesday, I’m back to my old self and I have a tendency to overdo. Thursday is my wonder day. I actually feel well and rested and doing things around the house doesn’t bother me. But, then comes Friday, and the cycle begins again. But only for a few more weeks.

I have a grand total of 450 cc’s of saline (on each side) in my expanders now. I tried on my bra the other day and, if I had a nipple, it would have fit. So, I figure I am about a size B right now. One of the people I know had a total of 450 cc’s of saline and is now a size D. It depends on your overall body size and proportion as to how many cc’s equals what cup size. Plus, all manufacturers of bras use different measurements for their cup size. So, in all actuality, I have no idea what cup size I will be. I will stop the injections when I look in the mirror and say “Yep, this looks right.” I have 3 more appointments scheduled. If I stay at 100 cc’s for each appointment, I’ll have a total of 750 cc’s of saline in my expanders.

The reason it hurts is because my muscles and my skin are being expanded with every injection. If you have ever run a marathon or done about 5,000 push-ups, you’ll understand what my muscles feel like. If you haven’t, just know it’s not fun. It’s a burning, achy, crampy feeling and it’s not real fun. Muscle relaxers help, but I rely more on Advil.

On a different subject, I stopped taking my Anastrozole. This was the pill the oncologist gave me as an estrogen inhibitor because my breast cancer was caused by estrogen. Anyway, I was having mood swings that were terrible, but a couple of days ago, I scared myself. I was violent and after I calmed down, I had a very bad panic attack and felt so very embarrassed. I called my doctor the next day because one of the rare side effects of this drug is dramatic mood swings and depression. She was out of the office, but a colleague called me back and said to stop taking the pill. He also said, “Bad things happen when we mess with a woman’s hormones.” I’m going to speak with my oncologist next week, but she will have to do a lot of talking to get me back on those pills. I have read many studies and the chance of recurrence of primary breast cancer is only lessened by 14% if I continue to take them. I didn’t find any studies about the chance of recurrence of secondary breast cancer. I’ve had cancer three times and I know from experience that the quality of my life – right now – is more important than the possibility of 14% in the future.

Randy told me that he wouldn’t talk anymore about getting nipples surgically done. Perhaps I will just have them tattooed on with some other beautiful decoration also. I was hoping he would come around, but I didn’t want to push the subject. I was more than willing to give the nipples a try, but I’m so tired of surgeries and being poked at and being in pain. He knows that and understands and I love him for that. It’s not that I needed his permission to not get the nipples, but I wanted him to be okay with it and he had to get there on his own.

It’s hot here in the desert and I don’t go outside at all unless I’m in an air conditioned car. I hate summers here. Randy’s job is slowing down, so his paychecks are way less and I can’t go looking for a job right now (like anyone would hire me anyway – been down that road before I got breast cancer). We are thinking about moving yet again.  I may send him off to find a job without me and I will remain here to sell the house and get all our stuff loaded up, but that can’t be done until after the reconstruction is finished and I’m healed from my final surgery, so it won’t be until late this year or early next year. We are taking a vacation this fall to Texas to see if it will be our forever home. I’m tired of moving, but I know I don’t belong here. It doesn’t feel right.

My sister-in-law’s dearest friend has a nasty form of cancer and is losing the battle. I think of her often and hope that a miracle happens for her and her family and my sister-in-law. I also hope that if that miracle doesn’t happen, her pain will be over quickly and she will be able to rest quietly.

I hate Cancer. It robs so many people of so much. However, this poem tells us what it CAN’T do.

Cancer is so limited that:
It cannot cripple love
It cannot shatter hope
It cannot corrode faith
It cannot destroy peace
It cannot kill friendship
It cannot suppress memories
It cannot silence courage
It cannot invade the soul
It cannot steal eternal life
It cannot conquer the spirit

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