Enough!

May 25 – Bad Day

I always think about what I should put on this blog. My good days and my bad, but I always want you to remember that I am not giving up. My Cancer is gone and we did everything we could do to make it go away. What we are going through now has little to do with that and deciding to put it on my blog is a way of telling you that even if you are fighting a horrible disease, life goes on.

Yesterday was the day I threw my hands up in the air and said “I just don’t care anymore!” It was a culmination of things – it always is. I have the ever present pressure and occasional muscle spasms in my breasts. I have limitations to what I can do and for how long. But those things, I know, are temporary – albeit a long temporary.

We are financially struggling and have been since our move to Tucson in 2010. But we continue to barely make it and have money in savings to help in the low times. I have been unable to find a job that actually pays me enough to drive 30 miles into town to work (really, haven’t been able to find any job that is permanent). Randy holds the entire burden of taking care of me and working about 60 to 70 hours a week. We have been kicking around the idea of leaving Tucson and searching for a place where I can use this expensive education, but that can’t happen until I am all done with these boobs.

Last week, Randy found out his job is cutting his hours and his miles. He is going to be (in a sense) an errand boy - picking up odd loads on a daily basis instead of a steady job going to the mines. The job he did have was given to people who live in Nogales so his employer no longer has to pay for hotel rooms. For whatever reason, the other steady jobs were handed out to other people who have been there less time than Randy.

So, here we are, like many other people, stuck in a place we can’t leave with minimal source of income and no way out. I think I kinda went comatose. Enough! What else can we do? How much more difficult do our lives have to be? I honestly don’t care anymore and when I told Randy that, he said he had been there for about a month.

I can’t go back in my life and change anything we’ve done. The past is the past and regretting our decisions only makes the depression worse. But we are stagnant. Trapped here and unsure of taking any steps at all for fear they will, once again, be the wrong one.

We will continue to struggle because we have no other options, but we are not happy people. I guess the best thing I can say about all this is that we are unhappy together.

Here I sit writing in my on-line diary about being depressed when my coffee mug says “Pause if you must, but don’t stop believing everything will be ok.” I’m going to pause for a while and try to start again believing in our future. We’ll see how that goes.