It's Okay to Ask for Help and It's Okay to Say You Can't

May 26 – Two Weeks Until the “Fill-Ups” Begin

I have thought about all the things no one told me before beginning this reconstruction journey – all the things I expected would happen – all the things I just assumed and decided to put all that knowledge into this post. I want to share with you what I’ve been told, not told, expected, and just flat didn’t know.

The breast reconstruction surgery is at least ten times more painful that the Mastectomy because the surgeon has to cut the muscle and create a pocket for the eventual implant to go. The expander is inserted during surgery. Because of this muscle cutting and expanding there are things that are just too painful to do (get out of bed, reach to my side, carry groceries to the car and/or into the house) and while some of these things are getting easier to do, I still can’t carry too much weight. My doctor says my chest will feel like I’ve done 5,000 push-ups every time saline is added to the expander. My first saline fill up is June 6 and it will be 100 cc’s of saline. We’ll see if I can tolerate that.

I knew all this, but having a high pain tolerance and a recent hysterectomy, I assumed I would be able to tolerate the pain with a couple of Advil and some cold compresses. I WAS WRONG! When the doctor tells you to take the muscle relaxers – take the damn muscle relaxers. However, living alone as I do, I was afraid to be on narcotics. So, I usually suffered through unless Randy was home.

Buy, rent, steal or borrow a comfortable recliner with a remote control. I slept in my recliner with a foot stool for two weeks and gradually, painfully moved to my adjustable bed. I figured out how to get out of the bed and how to sleep comfortably, but I never feel really rested. Naps have become my friend.

Buy comfortable sports bras with the closures in the front. Make sure they are not too tight because you don’t want them to cause indentations near your scars. I bought a couple at WalMart that were my normal size and now I am thinking about going back to get a couple that are a size bigger. Don’t worry about cup size because it will change too often to keep up. The sports bra holds everything in place and that helps keep the pain down. Camisoles work also, but they should have a shelf and be a little tighter in the bust area. I found some expensive ones that are a God-send, but I’m sure there are others that work just as well for far less money. The “wife beater” t-shirts I wore after my Mastectomy just don’t work.

I would say that the very first thing to do is gather your friends, family, neighbors (if you know them), and co-workers together and say, “I need your help. I don’t mean mentally or spiritually. I mean, I need you to do the things I will not be able to do for the next several weeks. Please.” Then spell out what you need. Even if all you need is someone to be in the house so you can take that muscle relaxer, ask for that. I didn’t do that. I expected everyone would know how much I needed them and would just volunteer. I am so very guilty of not volunteering when a friend or family member has just had surgery and I feel so very bad about that. Now I think, “If they had just asked.” But I should not have waited to be asked, I should have just been there.

I have to take ½ a muscle relaxer before I go to each fill-up. Randy wanted to be there for each of those appointments, but since they are using him as an errand boy, we need all the hours he can get. So, I broke down and asked my in-laws to drive me to my first appointment. I realize it’s a long way out here, and I know how expensive gas is, and I appreciate so very much that they are willing to do this. I may be calling on other friends for my office visits or I may not need to take the muscle relaxer until I get home so I can drive myself, time will tell.

I have a wonderful husband who has done the laundry, made the beds, done the dishes, cooked for us, and gone on every shopping trip since May 1. I should have asked for help from friends for him, if not for me. He is tired and needs a break.

From what I understand, the next surgery to take out the expanders and put in the silicone implants will be much easier. The muscle and skin are already expanded, so the recovery time will be much like it was for the Mastectomy. After that heals, we can get on with our lives as we know it.

The reason for this post was not to lay blame or shake my finger at anyone but myself. No one could have known I needed help unless I told them. I have learned a lot about myself and I have learned to let go and just not do certain things (my bathrooms are a mess, but they will be until I can clean them) and that’s okay. I make it through each day doing a little more than I did yesterday, napping when I need to, stopping what I’m doing when it hurts too much, and learning to ignore the dust bunnies and unmade beds for a while.

If you are facing surgery, be honest with yourself. Ask for help. Don’t be offended or think “no one cares” if the answer is “I can’t help you right now.” Everyone has a life and it’s selfish to expect the world stops turning on its axis because you need help. But do ask. You never know what the answer will be.