Tattoos or Nipples?

May 14 – Almost Two Weeks

I am feeling better each day – with minor setbacks. The mirror is still not my friend, but I look at the scars surrounded by small, fake breasts everyday to check for healing or infection. So far, healing is winning. Yeah!

On June 6, I will start the process of having the expanders filled with saline. We will start at 100cc’s on each side for each visit. If I can’t handle that, we’ll go down to 75 and maybe down to 50. I have to choose if I just want this over with or if I want to take my time. Depends on what the pain level is and for how long.

I am finally sleeping in my bed again. I slept there the first night and had no problems getting out. Probably because I was still full of anesthesia, but the second night was a whole different ball game. I was stuck on my back – arms and legs flailing – looking much like a turtle until Randy rescued me. It was then I decided that sleeping in my not so comfortable recliner was a better idea. The take home instructions say to put a couple of pillows behind your back to elevate your breasts so they don’t swell. My bed is adjustable, so the pillows are not required. I still sleep like a mummy with my legs out straight and my arms crossed across my chest, but I’m in my bed and that is an accomplishment.

They removed my drainage tubes on Monday and said not to take a shower until today. This will be the best shower ever! I won’t have to tape up the tubes and wash around them. I remember how wonderful this first tubeless shower was after my last surgery. It’s the little things.

Tomorrow I will start massaging lotion on my breasts to keep them subtle and easier to expand. Twice a day, if you happen to look in my window, you will see me sitting in a chair massaging my chest. Nothing erotic about that, it’s all part of the process. If it’s a nice day, I may go outside on the back porch to massage my incisions. I have always wanted to sunbathe topless. Now I can. It’s not illegal as long as your nipples aren’t showing and since I have no nipples, it’s fine.

I am a huge fan of tattoos and the artists who create them so I watch a reality show called “InkMaster”. There is a lot of swearing and bleeping out of things and I don’t like the fighting, but I love the creations. Last night, they had 4 women who wanted tattoos on their breasts. They had beat breast cancer and were done with their reconstructions. Instead of trying to make their breasts appear normal with new nipples and such, they chose to put art on their chests. I have been on the fence about what to do until last night. One of the women said she chose to do the tattoo because “they took away everything and left scars and I want to look in the mirror and see beauty again.” My decision was made. I look forward to finding an amazing artist to add beauty to my scared chest. My breasts are gone – cancer took them. I can never put them back. The reconstruction is basically so I will fit in clothes and to answer my secret desire to have a C cup. But these are not mine and they are not pretty. Every time I look at them, I am reminded of the phone call from my doctor and the decision to have them removed. I choose beauty over fake nipples. I choose art over scars.